sleep what??

Isaiah will be 1 month old on Tuesday. The first 2 weeks were lovely he would wake up every three hours feed and quickly fall back to sleep. oh what a difference a week makes he now takes cat naps that usually last for about 20-30 min during the day. During 10pm-4am he is usually very clingy and winy. I have forgotten what uninterrupted sleep feels like. Even though the last couple of weeks have been hard I am so very in love with my son. He has changed me for the better.

Test drive

Last weekend I had the pleasure of babysitting my 1 mo old niece and let me tell you I had no idea babies were so much work. I had to dig deeeep to get through Friday and Saturday and God be with me on Sunday. I am so use to going to sleep when I want to and doing what I what when I want but with a child that is null and voided. I looked at my gf at 3:00 am and said I am officially scared.I have a lot to learn and patience to gain but in time it will come.I am happy that we did take this challenge because my gf is due in 5 weeks and I am scared yet anxious.

and i'm back..

It has been quite some time since I have felt the urge to blog. We are now 20 weeks and 3 days pregnant. It feels like it was just yesterday that my gf from called me from work ordering me to get dressed and to look out for her because she was coming home. I instantly knew something was wrong with the pregnancy. When she arrived home she told me she was bleeding and we needed to go to the hospital. My heart felt like it was going to explode. We arrived at the hospital the doctor examined her she was still spotting no cramps. The doctor said if she was going to miscarry there was nothing she could do so we went home. The next day the spotting stopped and she felt fine.

Sine then I have been disconnected emotionally from this pregnancy, afraid something might happen so I thought that if I disconnect emotionally then it wont hurt as much if something did happen well that changed Tuesday when we had our BIG ultrasound. We saw our baby alive and moving and healthy and with a strong beating heart. It became real to me..it became HE and HE is alive. I have learned that fear is a suffocating and debilitating emotion that will make you loose sight of what you have.

Loss

For the past couples of days I have been thinking about my baby who was to be born on March 23, 2007 He would have been my first child It's been almost seven months and the pain and emptiness is still there. My girlfriend had text book pregnancy up until the 19th week. We were scheduled for what we thought was a routine Dr. appointment before we knew it we were rushed to the hospital because the doctor couldn't find our baby's heart beat. The doctor tried to reassure us saying that the ultrasound machine was old and she wanted us to go the the hospital immediately and she would meet us there.Needless to say we lost our baby on November 1 ,2006 it absolutely turned my world upside down. How could something like this just happen? the Doctor ordered an autopsy the results came back normal no chromosomal abnormality , no placenta abruption,no heart defects ....nothing!! My desire to have a child is overwhelming but my fear of this happening again is crippling.